A bit of a sad one

I have had a bit of a somber last couple of days. Death can be one of the hardest things to write about, as it can be one of the hardest things in life to understand. It is a time where nothing makes any sense at all, but strangely at the same time you can feel a new clarity. So many emotions are experienced in short amounts of time, and quite often this week I have felt myself completely immobolised and have not been able to move myself from the couch, or bed, or a chair. I just sit.


In Jewish tradition, when someone loved is lost, the family just sits by the body until the funeral. No one eats or works. They just sit and cry. After the funeral there is another week in which the family still do not work. They stay at home, cover all mirrors, and gather together. People from the outside comunity bring them food and care for them.


In our society there are no traditions like this. There are no set rules, and no guidelines that allow us to know what to do with our emotions. How do we deal with things we cannot understand?


Although I have no set idea, over this week I have noticed a pattern. It is a pattern that I have followed all my life when dealing with grief. I gather those I love around me. I tell my friends, hoping for some comfort. I sit quietly all day. I stay up late at night. I cry. I get angry. I avoid my bedroom, with the fear of having to be alone and face things. I cry. Then finally I move all the furniture around in my room, in search on some change. I open all the windows looking for some fresh air. I sleep. I cry. I push away any men in my life. I try to distract myself. I look for reasons to be upset with anything else apart from the grief. And of course I bake.