A bit sad

I have spent my last few days observing grief. I have seen the ups and downs of it and how it rears its ugly head. It changes and shifts and confuses you constantly. At the moment I'm spending a week at home with my family. It's so lovely to be at home and around people you have known for so long, but I do miss my city a little bit. If I was alone with my grief right now I'd be sitting quietly in a cafe, drinking coffee and reflecting. This week has provided not much time for that, and I miss my routines a little bit. It has been amazing how supportive my friends have been though. I'm constantly surprised by how many amazing people I have in my life. People who will rush to my side when I need them most. This is something I have craved all my life...the kind of people who are there for you no matter what, and I feel like I have finally found that. Friends have been showing up with wine, and chocolates just when I have needed it most. Knowing the exact moment when all I really need in life is JUST ONE MORE GLASS OF WINE, or someone to talk to. One of my friends was lovely enough to sell her concert tickets to a band, just so I wouldn't have to spend the night alone. Another friend offered to pay for a cab fair just so I could come spend the night with her. I feel so incredibly loved and blessed that not only do these people want to be here for me in a hard time, they know exactly how to be here for me. All people really want in life is to feel understood and loved...I feel that everyday. Unfortunately, despite all this love I'm receiving, things have not been smooth sailing. Being home again I am reminded of some life patterns that I started in this house...that are still persisting to this day. I remember sitting for hours in my bedroom during year 12 studying so very hard. I was convinced if I worked hard enough and long enough everyone would be so proud of me and tell me that I DESERVED a rest. I was so determined that one day everyone at home would notice how much effort I was putting in and just tell me to relax, that I could finally let loose. Unfortunately to this day I still have this same view point on life. Studying two full time courses and working part time, I can go for eight days without getting a day off. I push myself until I fall apart, finally convinced that I have done enough in order to lay in bed all day exhausted. I thought if I was neat enough, cleaned my room just perfectly, my pastry skill would improve. I thought that maybe if I looked just quite right everyone would believe that I had life together. Most of all I thought if I was perfect, did everything right, studied hard enough, never went out, never got drunk, paid my bills on time, dyed my hair brown so people would take me seriously, don't go on too many dates (in fact stop dating altogether), work long hours, and never take a break, then maybe then I could have the boy I care about so badly. This, unfortunately, is not how it works. Life isn't organised on a point system. You don't get what you want just because you pull your life together and act life a Stanford wife. No matter how perfect you are, or try to be, you don't always get what you want, and for this I am furious at life. I'm so very, very angry, and there is nothing I can do about this. Maybe this is the grief talking, who knows? But I do know no matter how perfectly smooth I make the icing on the cakes I bake, I still may not be happy.