Chinese Spice Dahl

I have spent the better part of this year trying to heal myself from what appeared to be my largest heart break. I have done every imaginable thing possible to speed up the journey, but unfortunately things like this just take their time. I have gone out, got drunk, taken a lover (or a few), run a lot, danced a lot, worked a lot, cried a lot, and thrown myself wholeheartedly into my study. I have worked so very very hard this year (honestly who in their right mind takes on two full time courses and a part time job?) and now I am finally having a rest. So after all this exhausting running around, and getting lost and caught up and found again, I have discovered...I am actually quite happy.

I have cut down on my work load at culinary school and settled into a routine of working part time and studying two days a week. I have all this free time to think and explore again. For the first time in months I have picked up my paint brushes again and started to paint.

All my ideas and dreams are coming back to me. All the things I have been pushing out of my head for so long, in fear of actually FEELING anything. It's wonderful. It has taken me a whole year of heartbreak to realise...I'm really happy, and I love who I am.

So I have decided that while life is so beautiful and simple for a while (and I know this calm won't last forever) to just embrace it. I'm giving myself a little holiday from stressing. I think I'll just enjoy being a part-time student/chef/writer/artist/cupcake seller. I'll spend my free time drawing, and cooking, reading and looking for inspiration. I'll take a muse (someone stunningly beautiful) and enjoy the rest of the year of being 21. I won't worry about money because I have none to worry about and I'm going to enjoy all my lovely friends.

A crazy lady once told me...everyone can survive off kisses and lentils...and I think she was right.

In case your in the market for beauty on a budget, this is what I have been living off.

Chinese Spice Dahl

You will need:

• 1/4 pumpkin
• Half a red onion
• 2 tablespoons of sweet chilli sauce
• 1 tablespoon of tomato paste
• 2 cloves of crushed garlic
• 1 tsp of Chinese five spice
• 1 tsp each of tumeric, coriander, and cardamon
• half a cup of red lentils
• 2 stock cubes
• 2 tablespoons of soy sauce
• A wee bit of love

What to do:

1. Dice your onion and garlic, sweat it in a pot with some olive oil
2. Cut the pumpkin in to small cubes. Add to the pot and cook on low until it starts to soften. You will need to stir is quite a bit so it doesn't stick
3. Add the spices and tomato paste, stir
4. Add the lentils, enough water to cover and throw in the rest of the ingredients
5. Keep stirring on a low heat and adding more water when it is absorbed.
6. From here on in there is really no technique, you just stir and adjust the seasoning to your liking. Add more spice if it needs it.
7. It will be ready when the lentils and pumpkin are soft.

It's super yummy and kind of a nice twist on the normal Indian dahl. Enjoy

Let them eat cake

Life is never black and white. I have been learning this a lot recently, as many many shades of grey have been slipping in and out of my life. Lately, I have been approaching everything with a very Marie Antoinette attitude of "let them eat cake," as I believe I could have all the decadence of life and love with no precautions.

This famous queen with no clue on how to deal with the political climate was rumoured to tell the poor to 'eat cake' in order to quench there starvation. She was so detached from reality she didn't even understand the ramifications of these words that have been remembered for centuries.

Lately, I have been like this queen. So detached from reality and high on my own self importance that I didn't realise how silly I have been acting. 'Let them eat cake' has been my attitude as I have let my emotions run wild too freely without looking at the possible outcome.

I bet Marie Antoinette regretted these words, but she can never get them back now. Sometimes I regret loving and caring too much, because once you give away a little part of your emotions you can't get them back.

She cared about these people, but probably spoke too flippantly. I know the feeling. So we are both stuck with a shit load of cake, and a wee bit of pain in the heart.

Why must life be a little complex Marie Antoinette?

Hungry

Lately I have been contemplating the differences between security versus adventure, and stability versus risk. I know it is commonly believed that security and stability are the safe options, while risk and adventure are the more exciting options. At times life seems to drag us in both directions. We are told to settle down, we are told to make a life for ourselves, but at the same time we are also told that the harder, less structured things in life can be more fulfilling at times.

So we are dragged in both directions and what I would like to know is this, is the safer option actually safer, or is it actually more of an adventure in the long run? Lets put it this way, if you were given the option to just eat bread for a week or just eat peaches what would you pick? Logically the bread is the smarter option...but aren't peaches delicious? Would you be as full? Probably not, but maybe the bread would make you bloated?

Everything can be broken down to logic, and common sense. As one of my dear friends says, however, 'the heart wants what the heart wants'...or in our case the appetite (or maybe I'm really talking about my heart...I've lost track now.)I know it sounds like a lot of very mixed up ideas, but this is how I feel at the moment.

I am caught between bread and peaches these days, and all I know is that I'm hungry.

Macadamia Parfait

At work recently I was having a chat with a girl about growing vegetables. She was complaining that her pumpkins weren't producing any vegetables as there were no bees to fertilise the flowers. Having grown up in the country this seemed like such a strange concept to me, as everything seemed to grow so easily there. I never thought too much about how delicate the ecosystem is, because nothing on the farm seemed delicate. You would get out in the dirt, plant some plants, water them, fertilise them and they would grow. Apparently it's not that easy in the city though. Scarily it seems at times that our earth is slowly declining, and no longer just plodding along by itself.

All this talk of ecosystems got me thinking about my own very delicate system that seems at times to be spiraling out of control...my life. As a kid, things progressed naturally. You grow up, you go to school, you see your friends and try to have as much fun as possible. Now, however, so much more is involved. I feel at times one wrong move will completely wipe out the dynamics of this life I have created for myself.

Of course I have no logical reason to believe this. I am extremely lucky in life. Some days while sitting in class I look around and think "wow, how cool is my life! Everyone else has run off to be accountants, and secretaries and what not, but I get to bake cakes all day." Yet there is something eating away at my soul...that not even a room full of kitchen aids and whisks can distract me from.

I am on edge and it is showing. I feel like I'm doing a balancing act between so many different aspects of my life. If one slips slightly the rest will be thrown off guard and smash to the ground. So what I would like to know is...how does one stay mysterious and aloof, while being passionate enough about life, without caring too much, but still remaining professional, being driven towards a career, loving yourself, without being arrogant, being supportive without being too intense, falling in love, not getting overly hurt, remaining young and being innocent, yet still being strong enough to take on the world?

I have no idea...but what I do know is how to make a killer parfait. I know this doesn't amount to much in life...but I take some comfort in it. Hope you enjoy

Macadamia Parfait

You will need:

• 25g sugar
• 10g glucose
• 125g macadamia nuts lightly toasted
• 65g egg
• 2 egg yolks
• 1/4 vanilla bean
• 40g sugar
• 1/4 ring orange zest
• 30g melted white chocolate
• 200ml lightly whipped cream

Okay, so I know this recipe is going to sound complicated, but if you just go through it step by step it's actually pretty simple.

1. Start by lining two ramekins or molds with glad wrap. This is to freeze the parfait in once its made.
2. Place the sugar in the bottom of a pot and turn the heat to high. The sugar will start to melt and turn golden. As soon as it turns slightly yellow take off the heat, add glucose and toasted macadamia. Spoon the mix onto a lightly greased piece of silver foil. Let cool for 5 minutes. Once the mix is cool, place it in the food processor and blitz (you don't want huge chunks, but you also don't want to turn it into a powder...so something in between these two is good.) Place aside.
3. In a bowl mix together the egg, egg yolk, vanilla, orange zest and second lot of sugar. Place the bowl over a pot of gently simmering water. Whisk continuously until the mix thickens so that it will coat the back of a wooden spoon.
4. Mix the warm egg mix into the melted chocolate, a little at a time.
5. Take your ground macadamia mix that you prepared earlier and mix it in.
6. Lastly, gently fold through the cream.
7. Spoon the mix into the ramekins and place in the freezer to set. This will take between 4 to 8 hours depending on the temperature of your freezer.
8. When ready to serve, simply turn them out on a plate. Enjoy

Thoughts from Tasmania

I spent the last two days in Tasmania supposedly looking for inspiration...but realistically looking for the closest bar. Funnily enough though, I left inspired. Maybe it was the amazing Jance champagne I was drinking, or just the new scenery. Either way I feel different. I had a revelation while I was away that I needed to stop looking for external things to make me happy. This whole year has been about settling into my skin for the first time in my life. So as I boarded the plane on the way home I had this small moment of gratefulness for being who I am. I was standing there on the tarmac in a little lace dress, huge trench coat, and my short red hair under a silk scarf and I thought...I'm really glad to be this person. It was such a lovely moment, and suddenly things just fell back into place. My apathy was snapped and I knew I was ready to come home to read, write, paint, but most of all...cook.

Unfortunately, due to insufficient funds, the cooking is kept pretty basic at the moment. I'm starting to get the hang of cooking cheap meals. This, however, is very hard for me! I promise I'll start creating some amazing quirky desserts to post up soon...and hopefully inspire you a bit. For now, however, I think I'll sit on my floor, listen to music, paint, drink bad wine, and concentrate on just enjoying being who I am right now.

chocolate souffle

I have written and not posted so many blog posts lately. Nothing has been sitting right and everything feels just a little bit off. I have what's commonly known as writers block...but not just with my writing. It has filtered down into every aspect in my life to the point where I can't paint, draw, write, cook, create...or even process anything on a very deep internal level.

It has been killing me. My cooking has suffered, and I haven't tried a new recipe in weeks. I've been racking my brain trying to work out what was going wrong. What could I do to change this? Did I need to change my lifestyle? Change my hair? Get a muse?

Last night I lay under the stars discussing with a friend the value of being "real" in life. In feeling. In being present. In being honest. I think its' one of the scariest things we must face at times. It's so easy to lie to the rest of the world but things truly get messy when we start lying to ourselves. Eventually, we cant decipher between what we truly believe and what we have told ourselves to believe.

So, like a cold shower, I'm in for a nice big dose of reality. It scares us all but it's what makes us truly beautiful and unique. Hopefully, I will be inspired enough and shaken out of my apathy so I can continue creating lovely heart-felt desserts and soul-warming feasts.

Wish me luck.

To sweeten all this reality here is a souffle recipe...because how can life seem harsh when you have a ramekin of airy chocolatey goodness?

Chocolate Souffle for two...sounds like a start to a very good night doesn't it?

You will need:

• Two ramekins
• Soft butter for greasing the ramekins
• Half a tbs of caster sugar plus a little extra
• 90g good quality dark chocolate
• 75ml of thickened cream
• 2 eggs separated
• 1 egg white

What to do:

I understand that there is a lot of fear surrounding the mighty souffle. All that rising and flopping and what not, but really they are quite simple. It's all about treating it gently (like a lady) and serving it as soon as it's ready.

1. Turn your oven on to 220.
2. Grease your ramekins and sprinkle them with the extra sugar so it covers all surfaces. Place them in the fridge (ummmm I'd like to say I know why....but I don't. Just do it. It helps with something technical.)
3. Place the chocolate and cream in a pot and stir over a low heat until the chocolate has melted.
4. Take off the heat and transfer into a bowl. Stir in the egg yolks (make sure its not boiling or it will cook the eggs.)
5. With an electric beater whisk the 3 egg whites until they form stiff peaks. Rain in the sugar and continue to whisk until it is glossy (just like making a meringue.)
6. Fold one tablespoon of the egg white into the chocolate mix. This will loosen it up. Fold in the rest of the egg white, very gently. DO NOT OVER MIX (at this point over mixing is like calling a boy ten times after your first date...it will flop completely.)
7. Fill the ramekins just below the rim and place in the oven to cook for 8 to 10 minutes

Doing the dishers

Growing up at home there was always a rule that whoever cooked didn't have to do the dishes. I took this rule with me throughout life when I moved in with my first boyfriend, lived in share houses or went to visit a friend. The nice thing about this rule for me is that as a chef I'm usually the one cooking...and someone else is left to clean up the mess.

Lately I've noticed that unfortunately this rule has filtered out into other areas of my life. I guess I got so used to having someone clean up after me...that at times it didn't matter how much mess I made. It has been a long time since I've been solely responsible for my emotions and how I deal with them. For the last seven years there has nearly always been someone there to help me pick up the pieces. I have lost count of the times a partner walked into the bathroom to find me sitting at the bottom of the shower sobbing over a bad day at work, or something equally trivial. Suddenly, I have become aware that there is no one in my new life to pull me out of the shower, dry me off and tuck me into bed with a cup of tea. I could just stay down there on the moldy tiled floor all day as the hot water runs out and I shiver myself into an early grave.

Okay...I am being a wee bit melodramatic, but the point I am trying to make is that at times it can be incredibly daunting starting a new life, in a new city, all by yourself. I have days where I am so unsure what to do with myself in this big city that I just hide under my blankets.

I have however found a wonderful way to counteract all this scariness. Again it's something my parents passed down to me, and it's the importance of community. The glue that sticks us all together. So this is what I have done...every place I go regularly I try to make at least one friend. Be it a cafe, school, work, the train station or the supermarket. That way no matter what happens I am always surrounded by my little self made family. Every morning I go visit the same barista for my daily coffee. He is about forty and tells me off for studying too much, makes sure I'm doing okay, gives me a few compliments and sends me off to school with a coffee. Then at work I am surrounded by a group of lovely ladies. We are constantly checking up on each other, making sure no boys are breaking anyone's hearts too badly, swapping stories and advice. In one of the laneways in the city is a new father and cafe owner and we talk about his business and his little son. Once a week, just before pay day, he makes me a free lunch, in exchange for cup cakes and tells me off if I try to pull out my wallet and offer to pay. My wonderful housemate is also always keeping me company, buying me red wine when life gets hard, and opening a bottle of champagne when we have something to celebrate. Then there are my lovely girlfriends that I have picked up all over the city. These people create the back bone of my life here.

So when I truly think about it, as long as I can pick myself up off the shower floor I've always go as much support as I need here in Melbourne. So life after all isn't all that scary, and I don't mind doing my own dishes too much.